By Dr. Robert Huizenga
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
If you are a spouse who suspects your partner might be
having an affair, wants to find out if he/she is telling
the truth or has a need to discover details of the affair,
this article is for you.
The desire, sometime a fairly strong desire to
spy or find out exactly what is happening between your partner
and the other person, is commonly very strong,
especially at disclosure of the affair or prior to that
when you sense that something is off kilter.
7 Legitimate Motives for Spying
1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but
yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed
something is different or questioned the change of behavior
in your partner. Perhaps you confronted him/her and it was
met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because
a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn't fit! I don't
believe it!
To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates
a tremendous internal turmoil.
If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take
a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself.
You are NOT CRAZY!
Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and
trust more fully your gut feelings.
2. Spying may help you feel connected to your partner
who seems to be steadily moving away from you.It
is a way of maintaining contact and have some sort of connection
to this stranger who once was well known.
Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to
play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least
it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some
involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway
to maintain the ties.
3. Spying may be an honest attempt to bring resolution
to the relationship. You want to know the truth.
You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a
breach of something. You want to know what you are up against.
You are not willing to stand pat and wait.
You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement.
You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get
on with your life.
You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when
there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking
about. You want to know the truth, face the truth,
deal with the truth and be free.
4. If you suspect that this behavior might be the
end of the relationship, you want to protect yourself legally.
If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third
party, other forms of deception may exist financially or
in other areas of the relationship. Having “evidence”
does have some impact in some court systems.
Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on
the kind of affair facing you and the character of your
spouse. Please read through my “7 Reasons For an Affair”
to determine the situation that faces you. If your
spouse is someone who can’t say no, doesn’t
want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to
take protective steps.
5. You want to protect yourself medically.
You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to
know.
Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your
partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing
you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually
brought into your relationship.
6. Secrets are work! There is not much
written about the impact of a secret in a relationship,
but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained
relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a
powerful impact.
It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that
no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures
to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you
can’t miss it.
Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact
is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically
ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People
start doing crazy things.
Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless
or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next
generation, often carry the emotional load.
You want to spy because you don’t want to
live with a secret. You want to discover the truth.
You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret
and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a
rich relationship and a productive life.
7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios
and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society.
We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational
triangles that offer intrigue.
Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps
an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire?
Or, you may spy to keep the sense of being alive a part
of your life.
Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
My, how the person involved in the affair cries foul when
he/she discovers you are spying.
Outrage can be intense: “How dare
you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could
you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you
do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy
and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull
away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something
like that to me? On and on.
Usually the person having the affair does not see
or will not admit the duplicity of his/her clandestine behavior.
But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective
work to discover thetruth. It doesn’t make sense,
but then again not much about an affair borders close to
sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent
on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying?
No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has
been destroyed through the affair. The affair shattered
the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.
The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled
its protective boundaries. The affair broke the
contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying
does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the
truth and resolve the pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation.
It’s intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can
provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt,
pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable
each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
Are You Ready to Handle What
You Might Find?
Have you considered the many situations that spying might
uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find?
Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario.
Are you ready? Here are some specific questions
to ask yourself:
1) Do I have friends I can count on for support
if I discover the worst? Do they know I might need
them? Have I told them exactly how they might help me? Do
I have the capacity to stand back from the deep emotions
and not get mired or lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?
2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What
if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible
emotional hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I
can contact immediately and see soon to help me through
the rough sports?
3) What will be my strategy for what I find?
Do I have a strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have
a strategy to confront or not confront my spouse? How, when
and under what circumstances will I confront him/her?
4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care?
What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat
effectively?
5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who
can help me develop strategies and goals for confrontation
and self-care and keep me focused and working on these strategies
and goals?
6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face?
Do I know the prognosis for that kind of affair?
Have I educated myself about affairs and what I must do
to effectively resolve and move through this crisis?
Spying is Not Revenge
Do not use what you find as ammunition for revenge.
Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what
you would really like to do to him/her and the other person.
This is very normal. But, don’t act them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen
the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity
as a person, lower your personal standards and make you
exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest
cleanest way to break free from the affair is to set your
focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult
weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without
outside input or influence, the better of you and the relationship
will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information
with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other
person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases
or health risks might be an exception. If it is important
to share such information, do so without much fanfare or
drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information
obtained through spying is sometimes might be helpful to
your attorney. Some “evidence” does carry weight
in particular states or districts.
If you have questions or are in need of support, please
visit my site at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Dr. Huizenga is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
with over 20 years of professional experience, working with
hundreds of couples and thousands of individuals. He has
done extensive research and study in the specialty area
of extramarital affairs.
Dr. Robert Huizenga
Bob@BobHuizenga.com
http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
Break Free From the Affair
